Orgasmic Birth? It's not what you think.

Take a wild guess what this is.


Go ahead.


Think about it.

Okay. What did you come up with? A new product from Good Vibrations or Toys in Babeland? That's what would make the most sense, right? That would have been my guess. And I would have been wrong.

See, a company called "Materna" has developed a product to help prevent tearing during labor. Steely Dan there is inserted into your vagina - yes, your vagina, while in labor - and then expands gradually over a few hours. That's right, rather than focusing on helping women find more physiologically appropriate ways to push, including good positions and lack of directed valsalva pushing, they thought a mechanized, expanding dildo was a better idea.

Is it too early for April Fools?

I was tipped off to this by Navelgazing Midwife, who directed us to head over and take Materna's survey. I encourage you to do the same. It's hilariously gobsmacking. Here's one of their questions:

21) Based on the explanation of the device's features, do you have any questions or concerns about its usage? Please list below.

I answered: "Yes. One question. ARE WE ON THE SAME PLANET? Because the idea of laboring with a slowly expanding DILDO up my vagina is not something that makes any sense whatsoever. Your logic is not our Earth logic."

My favorite part is the very next one, though:

22) Do you have a color preference for the device?

I checked "Other", and suggested that it have Sarah Jessica Parker's face on it, since this product is much better suited to Sex & the City than a labor and delivery ward.

And I thought the hemorrhoid preventing device was bad enough. Can you even imagine using one, let along both? OMFG.

Weekend Movie: BAM! ("Birth in 3 Minutes")

Once again, contemplating use of technology in training.



For me, the question is, how much does this script change when there's a real human being (or two) involved?

All I can think is "Annie, Annie, are you okay?"

Remember that SimONE Birthing Simulator I was grumbling about a few weeks back? The one that was just a torso, pelvis and a couple of amputated stumps for legs? Thought that was creepy, did ya?

Good news! Or not? From the Discovery Channel:



Eventually "Noelle" will turn on some hapless resident, oh yes, she will . . .

(Thanks to Passion for Birth. As she said, "No voice, on her back, how many infractions can you see of the Healthy Birth Practices? The non-evidenced based practices keep on rolling...")

And while we're on it . . .

. . . if medical students are being trained using this:


Is it any wonder things like the Labor Pro and the Birth Track are making their way into the delivery room?

I came across this "SIMone Birthing Simulator" while reading the latest comments from Nursing Birth's aforementioned post on the Labor Pro.

Simulate high stress situations with the SIMone™ birthing simulator!

Using patented haptic response technology, SIMone™ gives you a unique training experience. The level of realism is additionally heightened though a specially developed visual and audio interface . . . SIMone™ gives the opportunity to practice an instrumental delivery in a realistic manner - over and over again with little or no set up time! In fact it takes less than 60 seconds to commence a new birthing scenario.

Accessories included:

• 1 Vacuum extractor Menox 60mm
• 1 Vacuum hand pump
• 1 Naegele forceps

So, basically a Real Doll for OB students. Tell me, what's the first thing you notice about the picture above? But of course "Simone" is poised cooperatively in lithotomy position. How else are they going to learn? Their whole catalog could be seen as disturbing by some, but I actually find a lot of these models interesting, and useful in a classroom situation (and not so different in spirit than Madame Coudray's creations). The SIMone Simulator just takes it to a whole new level, revealing a clear - and quite revealing - set of assumptions and beliefs.

But. There's a big but. It's tempting to just react emotionally and recoil in understandable, outraged horror at this dehumanized, computerized, amputated facsimile of the miracle of birth - after all, that was my first response - but: This is something that is being marketed, if one believes the sentiment expressed in the video (there's no separate link, just look for it in the left column on the main page by the top paragraph), specifically to help avoid cesareans. I think it's true that situations that used to call for forceps or vacuum extractors (in the obstetric mindset, of course) are now more frequently just skipping that step and going straight for the c-section, due in part to the fact that these skills aren't being taught as much anymore, from what I understand (like breech birth, which has all but been lost and is only now starting to make its way back into the hospital in Canada; we can only hope the US comes to its senses and follows suit).

Now, the question that's NOT being asked by Simone and her attendants: were the factors that led to the situation that calls for forceps or vacuums often created by hospital practices in the first place? I would say so. Are there other ways of handling these situations, ways practiced by midwives? Ways that, incidentally, usually don't involve being supine with your legs conveniently hoisted and splayed? I would also say yes. But if the mother insists on buying the hospital ticket, and going for the hospital ride, would it not be better to have some of these tools and more importantly, skills in handling these tools, available if the mother wants to avoid a cesarean? I think that's a fair question.

Oh, it's all so complicated. What IF the rate of c-sections were to drop (instead of continuously rising as it has been) as a result of increased vaginal intervention in the form of vacuums and forceps? Would American women - if I can make such a sweeping generalization - be happy with this development? If we were to say that, okay, this is the lesser of two evils, but it's still not great, it's still not addressing the dysfunction of "active management" in the obstetric standard of practice - I could see doctors everywhere throwing up their hands and saying "See? It's impossible to please them! First they complained about forceps and vacuums, and we started doing more c-sections in those circumstances. We did that. Then they wanted the c-section rate to be lowered. We did that. Now they want fewer instrumental deliveries again! WOMEN! Impossible. Whatever."

So maybe Simone isn't all bad, if she/it helps lead to an increase in the lesser of two evils, and a decrease in the greater. But is this really all women should get to choose between?