Thursday, March 17, 2011

Orgasmic Birth? It's not what you think.

Take a wild guess what this is.

Go ahead.

Think about it.

Okay. What did you come up with? A new product from Good Vibrations or Toys in Babeland? That's what would make the most sense, right? That would have been my guess. And I would have been wrong.

See, a company called "Materna" has developed a product to help prevent tearing during labor. Steely Dan there is inserted into your vagina - yes, your vagina, while in labor - and then expands gradually over a few hours. That's right, rather than focusing on helping women find more physiologically appropriate ways to push, including good positions and lack of directed valsalva pushing, they thought a mechanized, expanding dildo was a better idea.

Is it too early for April Fools?

I was tipped off to this by Navelgazing Midwife, who directed us to head over and take Materna's survey. I encourage you to do the same. It's hilariously gobsmacking. Here's one of their questions:

I answered: "Yes. One question. ARE WE ON THE SAME PLANET? Because the idea of laboring with a slowly expanding DILDO up my vagina is not something that makes any sense whatsoever. Your logic is not our Earth logic."

My favorite part is the very next one, though:

22) Do you have a color preference for the device?

I checked "Other", and suggested that it have Sarah Jessica Parker's face on it, since this product is much better suited to Sex & the City than a labor and delivery ward.

And I thought the hemorrhoid preventing device was bad enough. Can you even imagine using one, let along both? OMFG.


  1. words...the words...they just ain't coming....crying a little inside.

  2. I am impressed only by the fact that home and midwife were the first options for birthplace provider. But color preference?? I said "Since the woman can't see it, how about the Dr.'s favorite color? Frickin seriously."

  3. I don't think the device is real. The survey (from a university) seems like it is actually trying to measure women's views on childbirth. I think the device is just a pretense/used to elicit a response.

  4. Anonymous, I was hoping this would somehow be a hoax (essentially). That makes mucho sense, and I hope you're right.

    Alas, I think the 'roid preventer is bona fide.

  5. My body is cringing just thinking about it. I wouldn't even let my support team use a massager on my BACK. These people are nuts. (Unless, of course, they're using this as a ruse to find out about labor beliefs. In which case, they may be skewing the results by being ridiculous.)

  6. This product already exists as a medieval torture device called "the pear of anguish." They came in a variety of sizes designed for a variety of bodily orifices. They are still commonly used in the dominatrix profession. I have a different view than that it is a pretense though: My conspiracy theorist mind believes it is a ploy by the ACOG to make labor more painful so they can push more drugs onto otherwise unsuspecting women. But we're onto them.

  7. ga-NO! Although this doesn't suprise me. Sadly.

  8. The Survey has been removed. ;)

  9. Obstetrics is back to finding 'scientific' reasons for jilling women off in a clinical setting again.

  10. Sesasha, that's exactly what I was thinking of. The Pear of Anguish, just couldn't think of the name. Just kept thinking "That HAS to have already been a torture device.."