New Car Seat Recommendations - and a Note to Self re: Compassion and Judgment

Much happier forward-facing, much safer rear-facing. Sometimes mom just can't win.

The big news du jour is the new recommendation on car seats, specifically keeping them rear-facing until kids are two, rather than the previous official recommendation of one. It's pretty amazing to see how heated the discussion can get on something that might, on the surface, seem so simple and straightforward.

One commenter, ChiMomWriter, wrote this comment in the midst of a heavy debate on Christie Haskell's article: "My daughter screamed continuously on any car trip when she was younger, so I turned her around as soon as she turned 1. I agree with safety, but it was far more dangerous day-to-day for me to spend half of my time driving facing backwards trying to get to her. My son is more laid-back because he can see his sister."

I totally understand where you're coming from. Life is not always so black & white, and you don't know the variables in everyone's situation. I'm NOT arguing against the recommendation, I understand it & reluctantly agree with it. I am just saying I know what it's like to be a shut-in because of your kid's hatred of the car.

Words cannot express how relieved I am that Lily is over 2 and I don't have to face this decision now. Life with her while rear-facing was. an. absolute. nightmare. She's still not great in the car, but turning her around was like night and day for her temperament. I completely understand the safety reasons - no need to show me links of car crash decapitations, thank you, I've seen them and I get it - but am really feeling for the moms with difficult car babies today.

And the greater lesson here is a reminder on empathy when it comes to parenting, safety, child health and other choices. On the Facebook discussion, this comment was made, in re: some parents expressing reluctance or frustration with the news:

Oh and some pet peeves of mine is when people are giving information and resources to make some one or something more safe, and they ignore them. Why would you not want your child to be more safe with something so easy? It blows my mind.

It blows my mind that everyone doesn't exclusively breastfeed, if able, until 6 months and then continue until a minimum of two years. It blows my mind that everyone doesn't cosleep when the reduction of SIDS is so apparent. It blows my mind that people eat and feed their children processed garbage on a daily basis. And so on, and so on, and so on.

But guess what? Life is not always so black and white, and you don't know the variables in everyone's situation. And this applies not just to the moms championing the car seat recommendation, but to me, too, when considering parenting choices like all of the above. I do try to be mindful of this already, but it's good to get a direct and sobering dose of one's own medicine once in a while anyway, just to underscore the point.

I'm NOT arguing against the car seat recommendation, I understand it and reluctantly agree with it. I am just saying I also do understand what it's like to essentially become a shut-in because of your kid's seething hatred of the car.

So, does anyone who loves this recommend have any suggestions on how to improve life for moms with littles who are miserable in the car? Because for many, turning them forward improves their temperaments DRAMATICALLY. If Lily were under 2 when this came out, I'd feel like hanging myself (no hyperbole at all). The difference was that dramatic - and I was no longer trapped in the house losing my mind because of a kid who would scream bloody murder at any drive longer than 5 minutes.

Fatal Distraction

Hot weather is here - time to be more mindful than ever as parents. I know we always strive to be anyway, but when it comes to kids in cars, nothing could be more important. I've seen this story shared elsewhere, and thought it so important that I should pass it on, too.

I'm linking to a blog that links the actual article, both because I like what she has to say about it AND because it gives you one more chance to rethink it if you change your mind about reading it. Because seriously, this is as gut-wrenching as it gets.

THIS article, this heartbreaking destroying story of so many parent’s grief and guilt, this tragic tale of loss and forgetfulness, is worth every single minute it will take you to read it from beginning to end. And do not skip from one point to the next. No, all these stories deserve to be heard and all these cautionary tales need to be told. It’s coming up on that time of year again. It was in the 80’s here today. It’s so easy to sit here and say, “I would NEVER forget my baby in the car,” but judgement doesn’t make you immune to accidents and temporary lapses in memory.

And that's key. NONE of us is a careless parent, by a long shot, and yet all of us have forgotten our car keys or lost our wallets or left the water running - because that's a human thing to do. And the way our brains organize information, it is possible for even the most loving, present, conscientious parent to have a lapse, as we multi-task our way through life. As the article explains:

Quote:

"Memory is a machine," he says, "and it is not flawless. Our conscious mind prioritizes things by importance, but on a cellular level, our memory does not. If you're capable of forgetting your cellphone, you are potentially capable of forgetting your child." Diamond says that in situations involving familiar, routine motor skills, the human animal presses the basal ganglia into service as a sort of auxiliary autopilot. When our prefrontal cortex and hippocampus are planning our day on the way to work, the ignorant but efficient basal ganglia is operating the car; that's why you'll sometimes find yourself having driven from point A to point B without a clear recollection of the route you took, the turns you made or the scenery you saw. "The quality of prior parental care seems to be irrelevant," he said. "The important factors that keep showing up involve a combination of stress, emotion, lack of sleep and change in routine, where the basal ganglia is trying to do what it's supposed to do, and the conscious mind is too weakened to resist. What happens is that the memory circuits in a vulnerable hippocampus literally get overwritten, like with a computer program. Unless the memory circuit is rebooted -- such as if the child cries, or, you know, if the wife mentions the child in the back -- it can entirely disappear."

Be careful, mamas, hell, be paranoid, even, IMO. One friend of mine commenting on the article said she always puts her purse in the back seat, so she can't help but look back there - I think that's a great idea that I'll be implementing immediately - and yet, is even that enough? Look at all the variables that aligned in the final story the author shares, Lyn Balfour. What if that ONE DAY, I decided to run in somewhere without it because my cell is at home and I can just put my keys in my pocket? I know the entire point is that sometimes it happens no matter how many safeguards we put in place - which is why I feel a little cruel in even sharing this with you. But the importance won out.

It's funny, because after seeing Babies recently, I was left with the amused feeling that JEEZ, we Western and highly industrialized parents need to chill the heck out already, after watching the Namibian and Mongolian babies frolick freely with goats and drink out of streams and the like, not to mention the scene where the mother of freshly swaddled Bayar hops on the back of a motorbike, holding him in her arms. No Graco travel system installed by certified technician necessary. I chuckled a little wryly at our dogmatism (though I would never say safety is not something to take very seriously) and was feeling a bit more "free-range". After reading Fatal Distraction, which deservedly won a Pulitzer Prize. I feel ready to amp up the parental OCD.

We think it could never happen to us . . . and so did the parents to whom it happened. I wish them whatever peace they can find.